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April 24 2017

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I love you♥

April 04 2017

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5 April, 17
2.46am
Gratitide
>Am I giving myself credit for what God has done for me?

April 03 2017

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3 April, 17

Haven't been alive; only living

>"Today we believe God wants us to know that you were created to be alive. You weren't made to simply survive until you die. Live it up, embrace life. This entire planet exists for all God's creatures, - and that includes you. Don't wait to start living, begin right now, with your very next breath. There are many wonderful experiences waiting for you, so get going."

April 01 2017

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1 April, 17
7.15pm 
>It's the month of April
(blank)

8.39
>Feeling irritated AGAIN
Bad start to the month. I don't knowing what I'm feeling actually. Help. 

March 29 2017

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29 March, 17
9.11pm
>Going crazy
Assignments overload. Panicking over placement. Third breakdown but I can't give up. 

March 27 2017

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Philippines Mission Trip Dec 2017♡
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"Long distance relationships are hard. Really hard. And not everybody truly understands that. There are more reasons to fight, more reasons to argue, and more reasons to stress. You have to put in twice as much effort, twice as much patience, and twice as much trust in order to make it work. The distance, however, gives those couples a reason to love harder than regular couples do. Regular couples get to we each other whenever they want, while long distance couples have to wait long periods of time to see each other and when they do, it's only for a short period of time as well and when it's time to leave, that's the worst part about it all because you don't want to leave, it hurts to leave, knowing it'll be awhile until you see that person again. So every moment those couples spend together matter. They don't take holding hands, long hugs and kisses for granted. What's amazing is that although these couples are far apart from each other most of the time, there's no one they feel closer to than that person and that's how you know it's real and pure love."


sing-dance-worship-love
27 March, 17
1.24pm 
Argument
>Wasn't a pleasant night. Fought, but the most wonderful thing was that love conquered it. I always believed in meant to be's, destiny and fate. But every since you became a figure in my life, I've come to learn that love is a choice. And you are my favourite choice. Last night made me realise and see the mistakes I've made, the if I could turn back time and how I would still make the same decisions. My understanding of Love grew. And I learnt to choose love. It made me remember the 80/20 rule:

"We, as humans, are always looking for the next best thing because as we all know, the grass is always greener on the other side, right? Wrong. This is what the 80/20 rule teaches you. Generally, when in a relationship you get about 80 percent of what you want. This sounds pretty good because it's such a high percentage. However, we are also craving that other 20 percent. We fight over it, break up over it and complain about it because as we already went over, we always want what we can’t have.

Say your boyfriend or girlfriend is SO great—loyal, attentive, supportive, and caring. However, they aren’t as social as you. You always want to go out with friends, go to parties and hang in groups but they would rather hang out at home or Netflix and chill (and actually watch Netflix and actually chill). Instead of focusing on the 80 percent of things you want and are actually receiving, you focus on the 20 percent that shows your significant other being antisocial.

Then comes the day you meet your 20 percent. They’re outgoing, always up to hang out, and never turns down an opportunity to party. They seem perfect. They are that 20 percent you are missing. So what do you do? You naturally think this person is a better match for you and so you break up with your current significant other for this person.

This all seems perfect, now you have everything you want, right? Nope. You will soon realize even though you have that 20 percent, you ONLY have 20 percent. You no longer are getting 80 percent of what you want because you left that for the single aspect that you were missing to begin with.

The 20 percent is dangled in front of your face looking like the ideal option, but you forget when you go after the one thing you were missing, you lose everything you had. You give up 80 percent happiness for only 20 percent. You gave up a caring, respectful, amazing partner for an obnoxious, drunk, party animal because it seemed like everything you wanted at the time.

This rule may seem obvious, but next time you want to complain about your boyfriend or girlfriend, I bet you’ll think twice and remember the 80 percent that you get every day. Forget about the 20 percent that's probably something insignificant anyway.

Appreciate your loved one and always let them know it. Don’t get caught yearning over 20 percent." 

I love you babe, always and here's to forever. 

March 22 2017

sing-dance-worship-love
21 March, 17
9.36pm 
Overwhelmed
>Missing home. I want to go home. Regretting coming to Aussie to study yet not. I just miss having family. It's the most important thing at the end of the day. But so grateful that I've got mum here with me, dad's coming in about 3 weeks, then uncle, aunt and cousin's coming then I've got a month left. Hope time flies faster. Especially this year. Year 3 next year. Can't wait to say its YEAR 3! then YEAR 4. and back home once again surrounded by loved ones. 
I'm too tired to go on. 

March 21 2017

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21 March, 17
12.30pm 
Picking up
>Love conquers everything. 
Once you've got your heart set on Christ, everything falls into place. Everything falls prostrate before the Lord. 
Slow and steady eyes on you God, I seek your truth with your wisdom, fill my heart and mind to breath pure thoughts, to sing only kind words. 
"Teach me your ways, O LORD, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you." -Psalm 86:11 (NLT)
I only want to be the best for you, and for my future spouse and to the generations that I will be of influence to. Use me God, take my heart, hands, mind and all. Silence all evil and thoughts that give rise to negative thoughts, or give me the strength overpower harm and think Love. Bless me in all I do, in my day and the people I meet, and may I reflect only your You. 
sing-dance-worship-love
20 March, 17
10.55am 
Confident
>I'm standing up. I know who I am. And God is the King of My Heart. With Him within me, I shall not fall. My eyes set on becoming a worship leader, one that lives each moment with worship and one that worships in Spirit and in Truth. 

10.30pm
Paranoid, overthinking
>The mind can be a dangerous weapon. It has the ability to destroy pure intentions and a pure mind but the power lies in the foundation of one. 

March 20 2017

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19 March, 17

Stress

>"Today we believe God wants us to know that when you do the right thing, it will feel good in your body. Your body never lies. When you feel stress in your body, something is out of balance in your life. Restore the balance, and your body and spirit will reflect the rightness of your choice."

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18 March, 17

Bible nights

>“Today we believe God wants us to know that tomorrow you will harvest the seeds you sow today. What kind of seeds do you need to sow today, so tomorrow turns into the dream you have always wanted?”

March 18 2017

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17 March, 17
11.35pm 
Better
>King of My Heart- Steffany Gretzinger, Jeremy Riddle
Pieces- Steffany Gretzinger
No Longer Slave- Steffany Gretzinger
Good Good Father- Kalley Heiligenthal 

Feeling physically tired after a long day but all pumped up to read the Bible. Been on a streak with my Bible. Trying to cultivating back a daily habit. Always looking forward to my nights. 


9.13am
Rested
>This was the first unbroken sleep I had, and the best after a long time. I woke up before my alarm rang. Happy, well rested and ready for the day. 
Remembered a saying, "Sleep does not help if the soul is tired."
Going off for dance class! Excited! 

March 17 2017

sing-dance-worship-love
16 March 17, 11.15pm 
Crying once again. 
>Jesus Lover of My Soul// Darlene Zschech, Hillsong, on repeat this time. 
Followed by Brooke's version of Man of Sorrows and Depths. 
It definitely did give me strength to carry on, I felt more determined to be a stronger woman just like Brooke. I was rolling despite crying. 
I really, definitely want to be nurture and grow myself to be a worship leader; just like Brooke but different because I am me.


11.50pm 
Road back to loving myself. 
>I have come to realise that I've been my very best when it comes to Jerome, always putting his needs first whenever conscious of me to do. Always loving him in the many different ways. And just being the best version of me as I can for him. I got too caught up seeing the best in him that I forgot to love myself. 
It occurred to me that falling in love was not just about loving him and helping him to be the best.  I'm not just falling in love with him but a reminder to also fall in love with myself, for who I am in his eyes. It's falling back in love with myself for who I can be. My trust in him and my ability to receive his love will grow in our relationship to my ability to trust and love myself. [What did I do to make him love me so much? And what am I going to do to screw it?] 
The first step I am making to healing myself, to loving myself and becoming a better person for God first. 

2.10pm
Devotional 
>Getting tight with Jesus. 

"So put Jesus first, and keep him there. Put your future spouse firmly in second place. You'll be glad you did. And you'll have the best foundation for maturity there is."

-The Dating Manifesto// Lisa Anderson 

March 16 2017

sing-dance-worship-love
15 March 17, 11.40pm 
Sobbing away. 
Seas of Crimson// Brian Johnson, on repeat on Spotify. 
>I'm struggling with myself. 
I've got a wonderful boyfriend. I love you very much and I know you do love me very much. But I don't understand why do you love me. Or how could someone love me so much. How could anyone love a complete state of mess I am in? It makes me feel horrible about myself, about our relationship. I find it difficult to believe and trust that you love me as real as everything seems. 


16 March 17, 12.20am 
Darlene Zschech
>Tried reading Men Women and The Mystery of Love. Wasn't the book I need at that point. Darlene Zschech's Worship Changes Everything book pops up in my head. Rummage through my bag of books in the cupboard and picked it out of the stack without looking at the title; don't know how but I could recognise which book it was. 

Was reading and that's when I saw... 

"I haven't sensed God's presence for a long time. I used to be so joyful. Now I feel like I'm going through the motions. I don't feel very loved or very loving." 


What followed on was...

"If you are struggling, my friend, please stop. Don't try harder. Just trust more."


(No one had ever told me to stop. Everyone always says to keep pushing on. I've been telling myself that most of my life too.)


And that chapter ended with: 
"Ask Him to show you His love for you- and he will. I know this because I experience His love again and again, and it's this love that has changed everything." 

That made me cry even more because it was truth spoken to me. 


4.37am 
Nightmares.
>Had a nightmare that I was standing on a mountain/rocks, up very high, earth beyond reach just clouds below me. I dreamt that I was holding onto someone's hand but the rock I was standing was a table for the other person and the person was sitting on a high stool. As the person was talking to me casually, I was screaming, in extreme fear that I would fall if the person continues talking and not focusing on balancing. And that just kept going on until I woke up, to my bedroom in complete darkness. I check my phone, 4.37am. I see a WhatsApp notification sent at 2.40am, (12.10am on his side; 2 1/2 hour time difference). It was my boyfriend. He was currently at camp, leading worship for the confirmation camp for youths. 

"I love you so much babe." 
"Are you asleep?"  
"I love youuuuuuuu. 2 cigs today." 
"I didn't smoke the whole afternoon." 

I replied him and had a reply from him. Conversed a little then said goodnight. 

As I was about to go back to sleep I remembered coming across an article on dreams and the symbolism behind each type of dream. I googled: "When you dream of falling you fear?" 

I scan through the page till I saw types of falling dreams. And my eyes were fixed on the first one on the list. 

Losing Balance- Dreams of losing balance suggests that the problem lays within you. You are not stable at this moment and need grounding in your life. You need to find ways to become more confident with people and with yourself. Who was around you when you lost balance?  The location and the people around you might give you a hint of what to look out for.


Then what came after was Reason Why You Are Falling (and these were what stuck with me). 

-Afraid of your relationship
-Not having control in a situation
-Failure in love
-Lack of confidence
-Embarrassed that you wouldn’t make the cut
-You’re not in control of your destiny
-Things aren’t working out the way i want it to work out
-Fall out
-Spiralling out of control
-Hitting rock bottom
-Insecure
-Need proper grounding
-Spiritual grounding


I could not believe what I had just read because it was true. I put my phone aside, and tried going back to sleep. Took a few toss and turns. 


11.35am 
AllDevotion
>While in class, I decided to open Alldevotion  https://www.alldevotion.com/, where my daily messages 'from' God came. It's been a long time since I last opened it. 
Didn't manage to read it with my classmates beside me, till after class. It said: 

"Today we believe God wants us to know that you do not see things as they are. You see them as you are.

When you look, you see reflections of your being. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming."


It was truth yet again. It made so much sense. 

For now, it's a road of recovery, healing and love. 

I don't know which direction things will turn next but I'll stop  struggling and trust

March 15 2017

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3950 eba2 500
14/3/17; Sundown

June 30 2015

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Settling In: Adelaide, South Australia

Everything's everywhere or should I say I'm all over the place. I have no idea honestly. Things feel right yet wrong. I feel like I've left a part of me in Singapore and my journey here in Adelaide should grow back the other half of my heart. I have no church community and it feels really terrible, haven't been able to play the piano for mass or even touch the keys. It's a horrible feeling. I'm just going to rely on the Holy Spirit and discernment of what I think I should do. 

Walks home after taking bus 600 is scary because the sky is like 7/8 dark and its only 5.40pm? But I get to see the sunset for like a good 5 minutes? And it's scary because it's a really quiet (ah moh moh/ orh lu lu) the walk to my place (about 1.8km) and it becomes a real test of my faith. And today being the first time, I never expected myself to feel so scared that I almost cried and was literally shaking. I've never felt as scared as this. Praise and Worship music pulled me through. And this is the first of the many walks and days home. But I'll trust that God is with me, or he walks with me through the darkest valley so whom shall I fear. 

Let's hope things will get better. Hoping to find a youth community and hopefully play for mass real soon and introduce new mass orders (gloria, psalm, mass orders, our father). Pretty please. 

And I want to go to Calcutta, India. Love the book I am currently reading about a young girl's experience in Calcutta. ALL of what she said relates to me. Its called Lessons of Love and Secrets of Sanctity by Susan Conroy, Grab it if you can. It's a really good read. 

Time to head for bed. 2 jackets, 4 blankets, 1 pair of gloves. Its too cold for me. Another good 2 months? Sigh pie. 

June 16 2015

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2612 3441

June 08 2015

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exactly a week to go, 7 more days. 
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